dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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