You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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