I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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