My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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