omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
