Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My legs feel like baby dolphins
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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