cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
