I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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