I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
