Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
