Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
