this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
