Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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