shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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