Who did Billy Mays play for?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
