nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
