I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
