omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
