Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
