i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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