So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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