Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
