areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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