You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
