You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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