So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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