I cut my penus on the lid.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
