Betty ford says i'm here all night
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
