So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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