It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
