Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
