Your face is a jimmy john
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
