Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
