Who wears a wallet chain?!
I cut my penus on the lid.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
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