Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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