just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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