She bit a glass in half.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
