yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
