Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Randomize
