Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
