My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
