As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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