Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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