Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
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