Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
