Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
