like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
