Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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