At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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