if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
