You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
