Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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