a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
