i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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