she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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