If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
