You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
