I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
