I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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