Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
