Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
