Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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