i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Randomize
