There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
