Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
