Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
